We at ToM know how hard it has been to keep up with the GOP nomination race, especially since the remaining members of INXS, Eddie Haskell, and Mr. Mxyzptlk jumped into the race. So we’ve put together this handy guide that should help our readers make sense of the crowded Republican field.
Scott Walker: The Killa from Vanilla. Not sure about evolution, compares unions to ISIS, and has a definite case of helmet hair — in other words, the trifecta! (Seriously, watch out for this guy. He’s like Alex P. Keaton without the charm or, you know, human feeling. A Terminator for people who thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was too “ethnic.”)
Lindsey Graham: Gomer Pyle goes to Washington?
Rand Paul: Your Mansplaining Libertarian roommate who occasionally has a point. But most of the time you’re thinking to yourself, “Oh man, there goes John Gal… Rand, again.”
Rick Santorum: The guy who came in second place and won 11 primaries and caucuses in 2012, but no one cares. Dan Savage’s least favorite politician. Also, won’t let his kids use Google.
Herman Cain: Is he running? Please say yes.
Carly Fiorina: CEO who’s best known for downsizing. Hey, it worked in 2012! Vows to defend the traditional definition of marriage, as well as the traditional definition of tech CEOs not winning elected office. As she keeps telling everyone, “I’m not Hillary,” which really means she probably won’t be president either.
Ted Cruz: the single most annoying student anyone could ever have in any class, ever. Actually thought his high school student government was a plot to take over Texas. Also, isn’t he Canadian or something?
Mike Huckabee: bass player from Arkansas who loves Rush, but only in their “prog rock phase.” Seems like he’s pretty alright, except for hating gays and defending child molesters … and the whole Rush thing.
Marco Rubio: political wunderkind who’s convinced himself he’s the genetically engineered second coming of JFK and Barack Obama, but isn’t. Thinks Creed slightly edges out Nickelback.
George Pataki: Governor of the nation’s third largest state for, amazingly, about 100 years, and… never mind. As inspiring as white bread and about just as nutritious. What he really wants to do is direct.
Chris Christie: New Jersey governor who’s best known for traffic, yelling at people, and hugging Obama. Let’s see how that plays in Dubuque. If that doesn’t work he can go roadie for Springsteen, then maybe the Boss will finally “really like” him.
Bobby Jindal: political wunderkind who’s convinced himself he’s the genetically engineered second coming of Barack Obama and Opie. Talks like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Was not actually on Mama’s Family, contrary to widespread but discredited rumors. He also really liked The Exorcist.
John Kasich: Ohio pragmatist who hates unions and ironing, but not necessarily in that order.
Jeb Bush: Got pulverized in an impromptu debate with a random graduate student, and we all know what we think about them. Besides, when you’re known as the “smart” one in the Bush family, is it damning with faint praise?
Ben Carson: Genius neurosurgeon who suffered a brain injury.
Rick Perry: Fighting for universal haircare, and open-carry permits for hipster glasses!
Donald Trump: His Halloween costume was ceviche.