The Gettysburg Address

Four score and seven years ago…you know, a lot of people don’t know that you can use the word “score” to say twenty. I invented that, by the way…our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation…very true, very true… conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal…but people are saying, now I won’t say who they are, but people are saying that this might be fake news, we should look into that…Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure…but we will endure, because we are the best, we are the strongest, we have the best army and the best generals, very high IQs…We are met on a great battle-field of that war…very great, the biggest, the best…We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives…which is a shame, even though they knew what they were getting into…that that nation might live…very true, very true…It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this…I always do the fitting and proper thing, no one is more fitting and proper than me, but those dopes in the fake news media won’t report it…But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground…but we can have the greatest celebration, the best…The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract…but I am sure there are some very good people on the Confederate side, too…

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here…just kidding folks, everything I do is the biggest and most important and you know that… but it can never forget what they did here…very true…It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced…even if they knew what they were getting into, it’s still a shame they died…It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain…even if they knew what they were getting into, it’s still very fitting and proper, very fitting and proper folks…that this nation, under God…that’s right, I said God, the Democrats won’t say it but I will…shall have a new birth of freedom and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth…but the fake news media needs to be stopped from ending it first, people. And those NFL players who won’t salute the flag, I say fire the sons of bitches! But hey, isn’t this a big beautiful cemetery? And wasn’t this a great speech people? It will get the highest ratings, believe me. But the losers at CNN would not even show the crowd! They are so unfair to me, so unfair. It’s sad really.

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